YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND

Friends? Lol. You're joking, right?

More than who your enemies are, be careful who your friends are.

— Unknown

As harsh as it sounds, I promise, this is good for you.

The first time I heard this, I was hurt, ego bruised, plain and simple, but what I learned from that sentence was so invaluable, it changed the tragectory of my life and of the way I relate with people.

You are not my friend, not because I think I am better than you, or because I don't like you, or because I don't root for your success. You are not my friend because I don't know you. And this is how you should treat all your relationships. Let me share you a true story.

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About six or seven years ago, the most important thing in my life was to be liked by everyone, so you know what I did? I liked everyone, conformed to everyone, and considered everyone my friend. It doesn't matter if I met you three years ago, two minutes ago, or I've only met and spoken to you once in my life. You are my friend, and i’d treat you as one.

That makes me a good person, right? Lol. Absolutely ridiculous. I thought I was doing the right thing for me, and for people I met, not until someone gave me a hot, figurative slap in front of another person. I mean, here was I, trying to be nice! Look what happened!

So I met this guy in the morning, right before lectures, we had a good chat for some minutes, exchanged names and pleasantries, then we were separated as we had to attend lectures that lasted several hours.

After classes, we met again, coincidentally, and continued our discussion. Then a classmate, Dipo whom I knew really well came to us. Naturally, I wanted to show off my new 'friend' whose name I had already forgotten. Aha! So much for friendship.

I told Dipo, "Meet my friend...," it was at that point that I realized that his name didn't even stick hours ago.

The ‘friend’ was quick to say, "I am not your friend. We just only met. We are acquaintances at best," before he went on to introduce himself to Dipo.

Although I said "Right, sorry about that," I simply watched the rest of the conversation breeze through with time.

I felt awkward, very awkward, but deep down, I knew he was telling the truth. Maybe he could have said it in a better way, you can't blame him for defending his space.

Over the years, as I understood his stance, I grew to respect him. Today, even though I can't exactly say we are friends, we are very well acquainted, and I'm sure he will read this newsletter and just laugh as he remembers.

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I wish everyone would be like this. We like ownership, so we like gathering friends, calling everyone our friend who we don't even have a proper connection with.

Nothing in common except for one or two things. We are not deliberate about who we call our friends, who we let impact our lives, who we share our journeys with, and this is why in our lives, anything goes.

This is not the way to live.

Friends are people who share your dreams, who understand your goals and help you want to achieve them.

They are people who care about your growth, who you share a lot in common with, mentally, spiritually, physically, morally, you name it.

They are people who you can predict. People who understand what you want and don't want in your space.

Friends are people who, to a degree, can vouch for you, recommend you, call out your name always in rooms of opportunities.

Friends are people who energize and recharge you. They are people who share the same values with you, the same thought processes with you, who read the same books with you.

Friends are people who, even when you have differing opinions about several things, they would still respect you and never put you down because of your opinion. They are people who you often agree to disagree.

Friends are people who you truly know, and people who truly know you.

After reading this, many of you will realize that the people you have in your life are merely neighbours, coursemates, schoolmates, colleagues at work, acquaintances, clan members, countrymen, and not friends. And honestly, that is fine.

Perhaps after reading this, you'd realize that you only have one or two friends. And truly, you are better off with this realization, because now you can adequately control who you let pour into your life, who you share the journey of your life with.

You will be more intentional about your space and the kinds of people you let in. You will be more assertive because you are not scared of "losing a friend" as he or she isn't even your friend in the first place.

To allow more growth into your life, to be more intentional with the resources that surround you, to be deliberate about the things you give and the people you give to, you need to settle the first things first; who your friends are.

So now you know, that as harsh as this sounds, it is a truth that will help you get far and grow rapidly. Except you really are; you are not my friend.

To your growth,

Your Co ach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired.