What Happened to Saying No?

Wetin do your steeze?

Nobody manipulated you. Yes, you heard me. Nobody manipulated you. Or better put, it is nobody else's fault that you got manipulated. The truth is, nobody forces you to do anything that you have determined is not the right thing to do for yourself, for your growth, your values and your reality. When you make a decision in the face of unblemished facts, and you turn around later to say you got manipulated, that's on you! Because, what happened to saying no?

If you go to my previous newsletters as far back as two years ago, and even one year ago, you'd find three or more different newsletters talking and teaching about the art of saying No. So if at this point, you haven't grown enough self awareness to know what you want, why you want it, when you want it, and how you want it, that's on you! Nobody manipulated you.

I let the idea in this newsletter stew for a couple of days before I put fingers to keyboard, and I promise, I understand how this might seem similar to 'blaming the victim', but two truths can coexist. You can be a victim of someone else's devises, or a victim of your own foolishness, lack of self awareness, lack of attention to growth and overall nonchalance to self development and productivity.

To people who fall victims of thoroughly devised mechanisms such as deceit, carefully crafted lies, gaslighting, cheating, etc., I sincerely sympathise and empathise with you. You deserve better than you got. Nobody should ever lie to you, get in your face and embellish facts.

This is a case of somebody digging a pit up the road and covered it with shrubs and a mat so you don't see it, then you fell into it and broke your spinal cord, your heart, or whatever else you broke. That's not on you. That's on them, and sorry you had to go through that. Perhaps in another letter, we'd discuss you (or us, or whatever).

To people who fall victims of their own lack of self awareness, people who weren't sure what they wanted and thought they wanted something else, then someone convinced (you can read this as influenced, confused..., or even 'manipulated' as these victims like to use) them of something else, people who are so wrapped up in frivolities that they don't even know what they don't want.

They are in their 20s, done with their BSc, probably currently doing their Masters, and they still have no values defined. They don't know what they won't do. They don't know what their lives are NOT about. Zero self awareness and zero attempt to try and get it.

They are a flip chart with blank pages. They have marker in their hands but have decided not to write anything, but allow other people write whatever they want on the pages for them.

Theirs is a case of getting to the pit, looking into it and not sure of what to do about it, then someone convinces them from right inside the pit, or even outside of it, that what would be better for them is to jump inside it. Could be for different reasons, maybe the person inside it wants a company in their misery, or the person outside it wants one less competition, it doesn't matter. They jump inside it at the behest of someone else, break their back and bones, and start crying manipulation. This newsletter is for you!

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You are nobody's victim but the victim of your own laziness to pursue growth and build self awareness. You are the victim of not even attempting to define your values, what you will stand for no matter who is standing, and what you will never do no matter who else is doing it.

Look, it's okay not to have yourself figured out yet. Nobody has it all figured out. It's okay not to know exactly what you want yet, but I promise, it's NOT okay not to actively be figuring it out. It's not okay not to know what you don't want.

You can't live a life of indifference and apathy, a life that is oozing of lack of purpose, intention, direction and then cry foul when someone else looks at you and sees you as a tool on his path. You are first a victim of your own self before you are a victim of any manipulator.

Better put, you become a victim of a manipulator because you are a victim of your indulgence (or lack of it). It's just as the famous old African proverb goes, "When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside cannot harm us."

You are not the manipulator's victim because what happened to saying No? I'll tell you what. You cannot say No if you haven't defined all the things you will say no to. You cannot say no if you haven't defined your values and belief systems. You cannot say no when you haven't established your boundaries. You cannot say no if you haven't used up all your yeses for the most strategic and important things that will drive the course of your life to a desired destination. That's what happened to your No. Now what will you do about it?

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There's an aura you emit before a manipulator notices that you can be a soft target. That position where you are before a manipulator spots you and starts eating you up? You put yourself there in the first place! I was listening to a message by Apostle Femi Lazarus, and he said something profound, and I tweeted it. "There are some questions you will not be asked if you stay where you are supposed to stay."

There are some propositions you will not receive if you have paid attention to your growth and self awareness.

Of course, I recognise that there are exceptions. There are always exceptions, but there is a very slim chance that you are an exception. So the next time you find yourself in a position that seems like you have been manipulated, you know you need to ask yourself some very hard questions.

What happened to saying No? If you keep saying you were manipulated, wetin go come do your steeze?

To your growth,

Your Coach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired. ✨