"SHOULD HAVE" SUCKS

Instead, think "What Next?"

Have you ever been in a situation where you contemplate all the things that you should have done, or shouldn't have done, and even going so much as saying to other people what they should or shouldn't have done to arrive at the point where the milk spilled, or where the project failed, or where the deadline got disrespected, and all the other things that should have happened?

Did you notice how talking about all the things that should have happened never, ever helped anyone feel better? So why? Why do we always feel the need to stay stuck on the things that should have happened to avoid the mess you are currently in when in fact, it doesn't solve anything?

I will tell you! It's human nature. We like to live in the past, in spite of ourselves! We have clearly noted that "should haves" don’t save anything, but we find it difficult moving from "should have" into the possibilities of what can be, into the matters that actually matter and can solve what has gone awry. It's human nature, and that's literally what is affecting the lives of a lot of us.

Instead of thinking of what to do next, the business to build next, or the goal to smash next, we are busy thinking about the goals we didn't hit last quarter, we are thinking about all that didn't happen that should have happened instead of preparing to dive into what can happen. These thinking patterns hinder us. They put a buck on the goals we should be working towards. The more we think about the things that should have happened but didn't happen, the more we blame ourselves and feel guilty, which will then further hinder our ability to get started on our next goal.

We don't just waste our time thinking of what should have happened, we also feel bad that it didn't happen. Then we start asking questions such as, since that didn't happen, what makes us so sure that this one will happen? What makes us certain that the new goal will be achieved? That the new quarter will be better than the last if the last quarter, which should have gone well, didn't go well? Since we should have had an A in the course but didn't have an A, what makes us so sure that we will have an A in the next course?

Pause!! That is not a way to think! Oh, that's a way to think, alright, but that's not a healthy way to think, especially if you are one to set goals and work towards them!

When things don't work out, the next thing shouldn't be you dwelling on the things that you "should have" done. Now, it's important that you take stock of what went wrong, why it went wrong, and what could have been different, but dwelling on it will never get you anywhere. When things don't work out as you planned, after you have analyzed and cut your losses, the next thing should be what to do next!

You cannot pour spilled milk back into the bottle. You cannot unbreak a glass. You cannot unspend a time already spent. So quit your fixation on SHOULD HAVEs! Think "What next?" It has happened; what's the next thing to do? How can we move forward from here?

Don't be the manager or friend or brother or parent that says, "You should have put the bucket here," or "You should not have called," or "You should not have sent the email," or "You should not have gone to his house." Those things already happened. We could come back to them later, not right now! Right now, we think of the next thing to do. Instead of fixating on what should have happened, we take control of what will happen next!

Don't be the person who beats himself up too much about what you should or shouldn't have done. The deed is done. You will hardly take control of what will happen next if you dwell on what has already happened.

I am a big proponent of focusing on what you can handle rather than what you can't handle. Focus on your circle of influence so that it can expand.

That's why "SHOULD HAVE" isn't a great phrase in my dictionary. I loathe it. Because you are talking about what has happened and telling me what I could have done about it, right in the heat of all that's happening! Come on! While I can't do anything about it anymore, chances are, now that the deed is done and the results aren't favorable, I ALREADY KNOW I shouldn't have done that. Why are you going back to that information? Let's move on to the next step! Let's innovate! Let's solve it! Let's figure it out!

Those who dwell on "SHOULD HAVEs" either simply want you to feel bad about what you or the other person has done, or simply have no relevant and useful information about what to do next, or both.

Either way, if there's anything to take from this newsletter, it's the fact that, unless you are as described in the previous paragraph, you should do your very best, as much as it lies with you, in whatever station or situation you find yourself in life, to resist the urge of using the phrase "SHOULD HAVE", on anyone else, or on yourself. Change your lingua, change your psyche. As you step into the new quarter, step in gallantly and think, "Here I am! What next?!"

To your growth,

Your Coach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired. ✨