Respect Your Desires

I have been foolish...

You gats guide first, before you fit guide your family.

— Abiola

I might be sounding like a broken record now, but listen, nothing, absolutely nothing good will come out of depriving yourself for everyone else. There is no sense in constantly remaining on the giving end and never the receiving end of your love. It's absolute hogwash!

We have conflated selflessness and service with a lack of self-regard. And I will explain in a bit.

You see, we grow up learning that putting everyone first will make other people put you first, but the truth is, it doesn't work that way in the world we live in. Maybe it would have worked in an ideal world, but not the one where everyone else is out for themselves.

Selflessness is not the complete dissolution of self. In fact, the term starts with 'Self', still emphasizing putting yourself into consideration. Selflessness doesn't tell you not to consider yourself. No. It tells you to consider yourself, and then consider other people, too. Selflessness doesn't tell you not to think of yourself first or not to think of your betterment. No. It tells you not to put other people at a disadvantage just so that you can benefit. Selflessness tells you to take one pie and share the rest, instead of taking three pies and not giving a damn about whether the pie goes round.

That is why I beg to differ; selflessness isn't the opposite of selfishness. Selfishness is taking at the expense of other people. The opposite of that would be not taking at all, just so that other people can benefit. That's not a brand of selfishness that will make you sleep at night. That is simply foolishness.

How do you steal from and deprive yourself just to fulfill the desires of others? It's the same as giving to people without thinking of the possibility of giving to other people in the future. Pheww! It got a lot complicated faster than I wanted. Let's take it a few knots back.

The opposite of selfishness is foolishness. Think of it like a scale, illustrated in the image below. There's selfishness (which is the same as greed), there’s selflessness (or service), and then there is foolishness.

I already explained what selfishness is earlier. It is simply taking at the expense of other people. Meaning, because you took more than is expected of you, someone else will probably go home without anything. That's greed, witchcraft. It's giving 'Only Me' syndrome. What you need is home training and a little bit of prison sentence here and there.

Then there's foolishness at the other end of the line. Foolishness is you giving up your time for other people after they have used theirs for their benefit. It's the basest of all self-regards — a lack of it.

You have a box of ten slices of pie to share amongst ten people, including yourself. You share all equally, and then just because someone throws a tantrum, saying that the one slice isn't enough for him, you go ahead and give your pie to that person, and go hungry. You know what you are telling your subconscious there and then? That the person deserves it more than you do. That the person is worth more than you are. That the person should be satisfied, and you should go hungry.

Sadly, this is what many of us have been doing all our lives. We have spent decades pouring from ourselves and not pouring into ourselves. We have spent years not respecting our desires, so much so that those desires have now become stale, and what remains inside of us is resentment and discontentment. Because we think, why can't everyone else be like me and sacrifice for me too? Why isn't this person considering all the things I do and deprive myself of, just so that they can be happy? Hello oo?! It's because they are wise enough to respect their desires and even go all out for it. Even at your disadvantage!

For God’s sake! How are you leaving space for everyone else in your life other than you? All that will be left in the long run is discontentment, resentment, lack of boundaries, the inability to say no, and it will be no one else's fault but yours, because you never respected your desires to begin with!

You're not selfless. You're foolish. And oh! I was foolish for many, many years.

True Selflessness

Here's what selflessness looks like: It is balance. It is still putting yourself first, but also considering other people. It is not considering other people more than you consider yourself. It isn't 'Othersmoreness'. It is using your resources on yourself first. Count yourself among the ten beneficiaries. Take a slice of the pie and share the rest.

Selflessness is not self-arbitraryness. It is self-justice. It is boundaries too. It isn't relegating your desires just so that you can champion the desires of other people at the detriment of yours. It is making sure your desires don't suffer, even while you help others fulfil their desires too.

That's selflessness at its simplest form. That's service. The only way to grow other people around you is to grow first. In fact, the early years of selflessness can look like selfishness — it should look like selfishness, because to become the kind of person who will grow a million people, you have to first grow a million times. Why do you think a building that is 100-feet tall must first be constructed 100-feet deep into the ground? The simple answer is in our local parlance. You gats guide first, before you fit guide your family.

To become the kind of person who will grow a million people, you must first grow a million times.

It means you must put it inside of you before you can pour it out to others. An overflowing cup is first a filled cup. To meet the desires of others, you must first respect your desires, rather than relegate them. It is when you know how desires feel if met, that you will be able to efficiently and empathetically help others fulfil theirs.

To Your Growth,

Your Coach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired.