Dear Storyteller,

Perhaps it is time to change your story...?

The stories we tell ourselves about our situation are more important than the situation itself.

— Abiola Okun

Oh, the stories we tell ourselves! They are at the very crux of the kind of people we become and the kind of lives we end up living.

Haven't you ever seen two people experience the same things, under the same conditions, with the same boss, in the same household, at the same time, and turn out differently? Not only different, but they turn out to be exact opposites. The factor responsible is the story they tell themselves after going through that.

Two siblings grow up in a household filled with domestic abuse, where their father beats their mother every other Sunday, or where their mother doesn't spare any chance to abuse their father. One tells himself that he would work harder than anyone else in the world to never become like his father. That he will make a conscious effort and grow himself into the exact opposite of the kind of husband his father is to his mother. While the other sibling tells himself a different story, that this is how to treat a spouse. That a spouse is inferior and must be treated as such, as a dog that must be kept on a leash. Or a similar story, that it is hereditary; since her mother is like that, she has her mother's genes and has no choice but to turn out an abuser too.

From this same situation, one goes on to build an inspiring family, the other goes on to replicate what his or her parents had.

Stories.

Two people grow up in the same neighborhood, say, in the trenches, with the same resources, or lack of them. They experience the same smells, the same vices, the same insecurities, the same societal problems. One tells himself that he'd get out of there, do everything he can to change his life, and then come back to act as a panacea to the problems he grew up in.

Another looks at the situation and sees what he can gain from it. He tells himself the story of how he can milk the situation to his advantage. And so he builds local structures around every pothole to extort drivers and passers-by, increasing the tendency of crime in the area, all the while profiting off the degeneration.

Then another looks at the same situation and resigns to how unfair the world is, and how there's simply nothing he can do, while hoping for his luck to change one day, maybe, just maybe Mother Universe will shine on him.

Stories.

A couple of employees find themselves under the same boss, who has a unique personality type. One person thinks and constantly talks about how terrible of an attitude her boss is; how nothing can ever grow under that condition; how he uses his employees and discards them as scrap; how he never gives space for his employees’ growth and progress; how she is a narcissist, takes on the ideas of her employees without giving credits where it is due, how he doesn't pay them well, lacks empathy, and on and on and on! The employee goes on about all the unhelpful attributes of his boss, and to be fair, he's not telling any lies. If you look closely, you'd see that most of what he complains about daily isn't unfounded.

But then, there's another employee, under the same boss, experiencing the same things each day, but tells himself a different story. He's learning under the harshest conditions, and he will become a flower that blossoms in adversity. Yes, his boss can be a lot of things, but his boss often leaves room for you to learn from the things he does, if you’re willing. His boss is finicky and pays close attention to details. Something that can be a big trouble for the employees, but is teaching them, unconsciously, to pay attention to excellence. This employee is learning and will go on to attribute the excellence that eventually turns him into a success to the years he worked under that Boss.

He focuses on how unsatisfied his boss is with the status quo, how he never leaves good enough alone, and makes sure that what is good can be better, and what is better can be the ultimate best. Each time this employee holds up what he's learning to how his boss behaves and treats him, the latter pales in comparison, eliciting gratitude from this employee. And gratitude enhances grace, which further improves learning.

Stories.

There's a great competition amongst three teams composed of two team members. Team C wins, and one of the team members says to himself, "I am the best. I have arrived. Look at the rest of them peasants. They need to come and learn from me. I'm the greatest! The world champion!" The second team member says, "I must enjoy the win, but this is not all there is. We made some mistakes that would have derailed our win if the other team had been more clinical. We must learn from this, keep practicing, and be better in the next competition. There's always a better score to be had. There's always more to achieve. And if there isn't anything else to achieve, we must keep practicing to retain our world championship."

Team B comes in second place. One team member is super unhappy. He wishes he had come first. He thinks that all the efforts that he put into it are wasted and believes that all the practice yielded nothing. "I hate a second-place medal. Stupid. If only my teammate did better. If only the grass were greener or the spear were longer. If only the umpire were fairer. Then I would have come first. This competition is pointless. Stupid!" He dumps the medal and makes for the door.

The other team member wishes he had come first, too, but is glad he didn't come in last. He knew it could have been worse. Perhaps they deserved the first position, but the truth is, the team that came first deserved it more. "What a tournament! I will celebrate this, cut my losses, learn from the top team and ask them how they prepared and what the secret to their focus was, learn from my mistakes in this tournament, and hopefully do better next time."

Team A comes in third place. One team member says, "Cool, we came third. Good enough for me. I am young. To make it to this tournament was success in itself. I have a lot to learn. I will learn and certainly be better next time." The other team member says, "We came last! We came last! We came last!!" and goes on to have a meltdown.

Stories.

The same situations, different stories. We often forget that what we focus on expands. Many times—if not all the time—the stories we tell ourselves about our situation are more important than the situation itself. The single responsible factor that separates people in the same situations is the stories they tell themselves about that situation.

This means, indirectly, that you're fully in control of your own story, regardless of what life has thrown at you. You don't have to stay stuck on one story, especially now that you know that stories determine lives. You can begin today, dear storyteller, by choosing to change the narrative. Start telling yourself a different story and watch your life advance in the direction of your new story.

To Your Growth,

Your Coach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired. ✨