Are you mature?

Three Emotional Maturity Markers

If our life isn’t where we want it, it’s because we have experienced an emotional marker that fires repeatedly and has created a system that is working against us.

— Kenny Weiss

One of the leading traits people say they look out for in a partner or anyone else they try to build relationship with is emotional maturity, or as others will say, emotional intelligence. But just the other day, I was curious enough and I asked this lady, "what does emotional maturity look like?" I asked because it seemed like just an ambiguous jargon people throw around these days when they want to sound smart.

True enough, she wasn't entirely sure what she meant by that. In her own words, "I think it means that the person can show how much he loves me in his emotions, correctly knowing how to love."

I wasn't satisfied with the explanation I got, so I started asking around, finding pieces of what people thought it meant.

You already guessed right. There were so many answers, some similar, and some just outrightly outrageous. I heard things like, "a partner who's emotionally intelligent is a partner who anticipates my needs even before I know I need them,” "an emotionally mature person is someone who can love me the way I am without allowing his negative emotions get in the way." Someone else said "An emotionally mature person is someone who is not plagued by past experiences, whether mine or his" and so on.

Bottom line is, when someone says that they are looking for an emotionally mature person, chances are they aren't even sure themselves what they mean.

---

I have taken the pain to study about the subject matter, and in this newsletter, I introduce the three markers of emotional maturity, and they are communication, trust, and openness.

Let's take them one after the other.

Communication

This is the capacity to explain. You're emotionally mature when you are able to explain when you know you should. Not because you have to. Not because you want to. Not because it feels good, but because you think it is the most optimal thing to do.

It is the ability to clearly articulate an issue, logically and respectfully, regardless of how it feels.

It is usually not the best feeling to find yourself in the middle of an explanation, but many times, explaining is the only way to get out of a rut and clear up a misunderstanding.

Someone who doesn't explain things because he doesn't like to explain himself or because he doesn't think he has to explain anything is most probably not emotionally mature, especially in the context of growing relationships.

Trust

This means a lot of things. One could write an entire bible on trust. However, in the context of emotional maturity, trust is holding a person up to their values, trusting that you know an individual well enough to always give the benefit of a doubt. It is having the ability to stay calm enough and trust that even when people step out of character and things don't go as planned, it is going exactly as it is supposed to and will land exactly where it should land.

Trust is knowing that it is fruitless to get angry or raise your voice especially when you have decided that things will eventually go the right way. It is having the surest confidence in your ability to judge a character. You wouldn't have partnered up with someone who you didn't think was trustworthy or had your best interest at heart in the first place, would you?

Trust is knowing that even when people mess up, they mess up because they are humans, not necessarily because they are bad people.

Finally, trust is staying even when things go awry. Not jumping ship the minute someone makes a mistake.

Openness

There's a lot of controversy around the topic of vulnerability, and that's why I opted for a different word, but it means the exact same thing really. The sad truth is, this is the hardest, and perhaps the most effectual of the three markers.

More people have learned the hard way to rely more on themselves. They have learned from all the pain they have been subjected to that people are out to get them, that people are waiting for the next opportunity to use a weakness against them, that people cannot be trusted to share their lives with. They have learned that it is better to be independent than to rely on and be open to someone else in all ramifications.

To be dependent is unavoidable, to be independent is a lot better, as it gives you a lot more security and confidence, and this is what people argue for when they decide to be taciturn and closed off. However, there is another concept called interdependence.

It is the next level where you, an independent person, decide to match up with a partner who is also independent. It is the best of the bulk, as you cannot do anything that is beyond you on your own. If you want to stay small, be independent. But if you want to grow big, you have to inculcate interdependence, and the only way to be interdependent is to allow yourself be open and vulnerable.

Controversial, but the only way to chase ten thousand is to be vulnerable.

Would that be you opening up yourself to risk? Most definitely. Could you be hurt and broken? Most likely. However, you need to understand that the finest things of life; love, growth, success, happiness couldn't come without this third bit called openness/vulnerability.

This is an emotional maturity marker because opening yourself up even in the face of risk tells more of your strength of character, your courage and your ability to lead than anything else.

---

So if you are part of those who are looking for people with emotional maturity, now you know the markers you should look out for.

If you want to attain emotional maturity as you should, now you know the areas of growth you need to focus on in yourself.

And me? Oh, I just realized I have a lot of work to do towards emotional maturity.

To Your Our Growth,

Your Coach,

Abiola Okunsanya,

Handzinspired. ✨